Palegoldenrod

For a few years when I was younger, I was very interested in yoga and all things related. I followed my yoga teacher to an ashram nearby and stayed there regularly by myself - a girl of 17 in a forest ashram full of smiling Australian swamis and other visitors from around the world. It was a very enjoyable time, and I learnt a lot.

At one point, the guru came from India and there was an opportunity for initiation. I took the lowest level of initiation - that into name and mantra. Guru Swami Niranjanananda Saraswati gave me a name - Siddhamitra.

Swamiji explained the name to me. “‘Siddha’ means perfection,” he said “and ‘Mitra’ means friend, or following - aspiring. So Siddhamitra means ‘aspiring towards perfection’”.

That initiation ceremony was part of a turning point for me, and maybe not in a way you would expect. I was not overcome by anything amazing or spiritual. I was instead brought back into cold, stark reality. I realised that people trusted the Guru and his powers without question. Some families had come a long way and struggled with money and travel and children just to be initiated by him, and he handed out names and mantras - which were meant to be lifelong - without having even spoken to most of them. I had never really believed in the guru, and this experience only made that clearer for me.

I thought “What is this name? It means nothing to me, it is nothing like me. He just pulled it out of the air. Bah“.

My interest with the Dashnamis began to wane around then, and though I went back to the ashram once or twice, it wasn’t quite the same. While it was still a warm and inviting place, my skepticism had taken a little shine off the whole experience.

Now this isn’t just some random walk down memory lane, don’t worry. There is sort of a point

In my habit of self reflection I recently realised something about myself. I am aiming for perfection. And I can (most of the time without realising how much) be very harsh on things and people in my life that don’t meet my expectations. I also am beginning to see that sometimes my expectations of people are beyond their capabilities.

I think I sort of know where some of this comes from. I’ve never really failed anything. I’ve always been above average in most things I have put my hand to. Not amazing - never that. just “Hey, thats pretty good”. On the scale of 0 to 100 I usually sit somwhere between 85 and 95 in most things, and most of the time I don’t try too much.

I’ve never failed a test (other than maybe a fitness one, especially lately!).

So what does that mean? It means that I expect everyone else to be able to do what I do, and to do it as well. As a result of this sometimes unreasonable expectation, I am often disappointed or frustrated with people around me - their ability to do what I need them to, their ability to understand my requirements, their ability to have a conversation with me on a topic. It means that when someone can do something better than me, I get frustrated with my own abilities quickly.

I guess one positive result of this is that I am very independent - I often find it easier to just go and do my thing without struggling with people. I have no problem with being in my own company, and I achieve a lot more by myself than I do sometimes working in a team.

But the point of all this reflection was on my dukkha. My dissatisfaction. Because of my sometimes unrealistic expectations of people (and companies, and myself, and “things” like computers), I am often feeling and thinking negative thoughts, frustration. These are not productive - they serve no purpose, and they just waste my energy and make others feel inadequate, I imagine.

I thought about perfection. I’m not perfect, but I seem to always expect that of myself and others. A while ago when I read the Four Noble Truths for the first time, I really understood that the world is not “perfect’ and that�it was silly to expect it to be. But for some reason I hadn’t included myself in that shift of view.

I remembered some of the concepts that were touched on in the temple retreat I attended late last year. Things like “an instant is perfect if you are mindful!”, “Pay attention in this instant! Be mindful of what you are doing, of what is going on around you. If you are mindful you make less mistakes - this is aiming for perfection.”, “You can only aim for perfection now, in this moment. As soon as you dwell on the past or agonise about the future you have lost the moment. Then you might do something poorly, and in the next moment you are agonising over it. Stop it”.

After all these years I thought about that other name of mine. I guess I really did end up being Siddhamitra after all. And the best thing is that the name reminded me of the positive part of aiming for perfection - that, with the right attitude, tolerance, patience (oh-so-big lessons to learn!) that aiming for perfection can be a useful tool for self improvement and motivation. It can be a lifelong training.

Who would have thought that some guru from 10 years ago would reach through time to make such a point!

I finally got around to uploading some of the photos I took up at Nobby’s Beach last week. I scooted myself down there at dawn for a few hours to play with my DSLR as I can’t use it very well yet. I got some OK photos from it, which I have now published. Please jump on and have a look - tell me what you think.