Palegoldenrod

When I left Australia at the start of my trip, the time felt like it extended on before me into that grey haze of “a long way in the future” and it was difficult to contain my excitement. I didn’t want to go home, I wanted to be right there, on the road, exploring, adventuring, finding answers to questions – or just questions.

I remember thinking about the famed “travel bug” (the addiction to travel, not a stomach upset ) and whether I would catch it. I wondered what it was about travelling that had so many addicted.

By the end of my travels in South America, a year later, I felt that time had flown by and I was ready to come home. Well, not that I wanted to be home in Australia specifically (though I did want to catch up with my family and friends). Not even that I wanted to be away from South America, but that I felt a need to have a home. To have my own space for a while, to be able to hang out with the same people without having to part ways just as I got to know them. I wanted to sit down with my old friends who knew me well, who I could talk to about “remember when” and feel like I belonged.

I’ve been back a little more than a month now. When I came back I chose to surprise most of my friends and all of my family and was incredibly excited about it. The 20ish hour flight back from Buenos Aires was sleepless due to the energy building up (though admittedly my body crashed once I touched down in Sydney).

I remember the train ride from Sydney to Newcastle, a calm sunny day, and marvelling at how beautiful the countryside is, the lakes, the mountains. Sitting with Amos on the balcony of a pub in Newcastle one afternoon and looking bemusedly at the streets: so clean, well maintained, orderly roads… such big houses and new cars!

I have great memories of leaning over the fence to Amos to greet him in person for the first time in a year: “I say, sir, have you heard the good news about Jesus Christ?” “What the ….? Woah!” and shortly afterwards suprising Jared and Chelsea as they walked into the house. Wandering into my favourite pub where some of my friends were gathering for the afternoon: “Hang on. What the f@#k? When did you get back?”. The silent greeting of a full 10 minute hug from Nick. Or trudging with all my gear up the long gravel driveway to my parents’ house in the midday sun when my brother walked out the front door, did a double take and then ran to the gate to meet me; my parents becoming tearful when they realised that I wasn’t asking them to be home so I could Skype them from South America, but to hug them in person.

And then, bit by bit, the excitement faded away. I am left with strange feelings – a few friends I was quite close to are no longer there; one group is on the verge of falling apart due to the loss of a friend while I was away; very little feels like it did before. I remember sitting with one of my closest circle of friends and feeling out of step. Had they changed, or was it me? Or both? I caught up with a few groups of out-of-touch companions and noticed things about them that I hadn’t before: some things I liked and some I didn’t. In some cases I started questioning what I saw in them in the first place. Several people need me in different ways than they did before I left, and while I love them I don’t know if I am up to the task. And a big surprise for me is that one group whose company I enjoyed but always felt a bit on the outer has turned out to be the only group where I actually feel more comfortable, has made me the most welcome and is making it clear that they want me to hang out with them, though we’re missing one of my closest buddies.

I’ve caught up with several people I met on the road, whose company I love and who I want to spend time with and get to know better. Here they have histories, they have complications, many have lives which appear to have little room for me despite so much common time spent together and shared experiences. So much was different on the road.

When I was travelling I found a lot of questions – some with answers, some without. Some questions have changed since I have travelled. One I’ve had for a long time is wondering where I belong. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere before I left, though at times overseas I’ve felt fleetingly that I’ve belonged in that place at that time: mandolin-ing alone in a park in Santiago; a night out at a club with great company in Buenos Aires; deep, honest and nerdy conversations in a hammock in Cusco; afternoons spent in the hills near the ruins outside Cusco; blowing up balloons during a prank in Lima; red wine in a riverside cafe in Cuenca; hilarity at the equator in Ecuador; and getting awesome hugs from some people I adore, to name a few. Since I’ve come back I haven’t felt at home even in the house of my childhood. I am starting to think now if maybe the place I belong is not-belonging, even though more and more often I find myself wanting it to be otherwise

It has all made me ask myself if this “travel bug” thing might be the wrong way around… what if its not so much that the road calls people back, but that home never has the same feeling. Maybe you can never feel like you are home again unless you keep moving. I’ve since heard it from other friends that have returned home in the last month or so: “Why does everything need to be so complicated?”, “Things are more complicated than I thought”, “Urgh, its all just so complicated. It was easier on the road”, “I wish I was back on the road. Normal life sucks”. Complicated. That is coming home. Not “Ah! I’m home!” for long, but soon “I wish I were out there again”.

We talk about long term solo travel being a challenge, taking courage… after you’ve done it for a while, does it just become escapism? Do we do it because when we hit the road, to some extent we’re avoiding the real complications? The ones that arise from the likes of social, family and relationship politics, of the responsibility of a real job, the mundane stresses of day-to-day life in permanent society? After all, an often-touted advantage of solo travel is “when I don’t like someone or some place, I leave. I don’t have to answer to anyone”.

I am in Melbourne now, where I know very few people. I wanted to come here before I left Australia, and while in some respects I am probably lying even to myself about a few reasons I am here, I am still interested enough to give it some time and see what happens. It is a great city, and a new city to me. Some companions from my travels are here but things don’t seem to be the same, no matter how much I might want to catch up like old times. A few of my friends from before the trip are here, but more distant – almost strangers to me, and I am on the most excellent adventure of job hunting during a market downturn with no money and little time to organise myself. Oh, how fun

The challenges are different now. I thought I might stop asking questions when I stopped travelling, but coming home has raised more for me. In the last few weeks I’ve found myself reviewing and questioning what I thought I saw for myself in the future, and what I want: some things I know and have known for a while – that many things I want I can’t have, and many things I don’t want I have. Fact of life, no argument will be entered into, case closed. And as for the things I don’t know, well… I guess for now the adventure is finding work and a home and good like-minded friends here in Melbourne (I now know there might be a few other people in the world with warped minds like mine), and if the answers don’t come to me then the road is always open*, at least to a new place to call home for a while.

*Except if you are in Peru or Bolivia, where roads seem to be closed a lot of the time. lols.